There is so much going right, and then there are just a few tough things that are hard to handle.
Positive before negatives, yes?
- Steph got engaged. I think that is absolutely fantastic and I am so happy for her and Wes (and Charlotte).
- 'How to Succeed in Business...' is over, and ended up going well. I am so happy I got to choreograph with director Fran White again, and I really enjoy working at Babson College- there are some great people there. While it was a somewhat dance-sparse show, I had fun with the style of it all.
- Luminarium has a somewhat permanent rehearsal space on Thursday nights at Green St Studios in Cambridge, MA! You have no idea what a pain in the ass finding consistent rehearsal space is, this is amazing.
- Luminarium ALSO is in the midst of a Kickstarter Campaign, that looks like it is going to be super successful. In the first 36ish hours we have 13 backers and have brought in nearly $800! 16 days to go.... check out our project here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/ldc/performing-arts-project-bringing-art-to-underserve
- Luminarium is getting a blurb and photo in the alumna magazine!
- We are totally committed to having our first SPONSOR BENEFIT GALA! A lovely place in Lincoln is hosting this great event for us in June, and we are just embarking on details. I feel so legitimate as a dance company right now (if the last 3 bullet points didn't demonstrate that)
- Lawyer search 2011. No details about this yet to give, but, it's a total feel good in my life right now.
- Job opportunities. Another no info for you yet...
SO all of that feels so great and makes me excited and buzzing at all times.
Unfortunately, at the bottom of my gut, there is this nasty darkness. My grampa who is such a fixture in our family has been rediagnosed with cancer, which is already in his spine and hips and he is in a lot of pain and rapidly deteriorating. This is crazy to me, at Jenn's bday celebration in March you could kind of notice it- and whipped out this pill and was like 'ok this is my cancer pill!' Now I guess you can tell he is scared, and just going downhill fast. I am not technically going to see him until Easter, but how will he be then? I have no idea how he is doing, I just have second hand info from my mom, and it is so scary and sad. My grampa since I can remember has been the most comparable human being to yoda- at least a Middle Eastern version. He is always so stable with his philosophic statements about life, and can get away with poking very subtle jokes at anyone, while interspersing some fresh armenian word in there. It is just very tough to have to stand around and basically wait for someone to die, while they are in pain and scared about dying.
Blah.
How does one balance such high ups, and low downs...
let's take the quality time while we have it, enjoy the person who is still in the tortured body... today he had a great day, seems pain management is effective - when a person like this lives for 82 years they touch a lot of lives and I am pleased that my biggest and most important accomplishment in life is instilling his humanistic philosophy in my daughters to pass to the future. Weirdly enough, this is what the Easter season is about - everlasting life is about the spirit that is passed to you, lives within you and is passed from you. Pay it forward, celebrate life as the grief will pass and the message will live on. Peace
ReplyDeleteKim, I really think that part of our celebration piece should explore exactly that question. How do we balance, when life is in constant turmoil. I love how fun and upbeat our piece is right now, so don't think I'm aiming to make it a downer! But I do think moments of reflection, balancing, and letting go should be key in this work.
ReplyDeleteGlad to be creating something *with* you for once. Let's make it meaningful. =)
-Mer
Thanks mom, for the message. Brain gets it, body doesn't. It will. Weeks, months, or however long from now. Hardest thing for me right now is determining how to celebrate a life while you are experiencing it get destroyed. Absolutely a great human being to celebrate, but how does one find happy when they are so mad at whats being taken out from beneath their feet. I catch glimmers of happy, and want to be positive, but all I can find inside myself tends to be depressed/exhausted... and then borderline of guilt when I find some kind of happiness and am slammed back to a poor old guy just laying in some anonymous unfamiliar bed- if it was me in that situation i would just be constantly thinking about dying... how soon, when, painfully, will anyone be around to experience it, mindrunningmindrunning and so on. Nervous about going to the hospital tomorrow because i don't want to just breakdown and make him feel sad about making me sad. Jenn says reflexology point between your thumb and index finger will stop you... it was nice to have some humor. Sad about easter. Even if he is still here, it is awfully depressing to think about him in the hospital working his way towards the end while the entire family is together with the shish. I don't know how the hell I could deal with that day because I know I'll just be thinking about him all alone...Just very weird and i can't find any understanding even though my brain knows all the right words and understands why the are the 'right words'.
ReplyDeleteMerli... thanks for the support in rehearsal and your thoughts, and i am totally agreeing. I think it will bring some satisfaction in viewing to have the balance... I am feeling the letting go you mentioned above pretty strong out of the three. Would be nice to have some grounded smooth ahhhhhhhh moments- a vitamin-c Flintstones chewable (or...gasp...an orange slice) in the midst of a ton of dance candy. Or maybe just a long cool drink of water (I've been thinking about cowboys a lot today so I had to phrase it that way...) I am very excited to see where this develops, it is very enjoyable to be co-choreographing... also very grateful for all of the Luminarium provided highs.
xo to all.