Boast

So in today's attempts to go to a new psychiatrist and restart dealing with ADHD by means of extended release Ritalin, I got to bask in a moment of odd pride. After spending an hour and twenty minutes talking to this new doctor (older man that looks like he is stuck in the early 1960s, most fashionably, but from Chile!) he paused for a moment and said, "I haven't treated many artists, especially young, this is quite fascinating." For a split second my mind was swimming with who's-what's-where's, but then I felt such a swell in my chest when I realized I was the artist, am the artist, he meant and a fairly successful young artist.

That's so gross and boastful, but for so long I've just felt like I was gliding or floating in someone else's life; not even another person's life, just kind of present in the cyber space of real actual life. I had no means of qualifying who I was and how legitimate my career was, in a "playing house" kind of way, but then bam! There it was. The A-word. In reference to me. Cool.

:)

There is something about getting home after a slow cocktail or two with friends, cheeks feeling like worked out abs from laughing and the first snowfall hitting the ground, that makes the day feel like an actual success!

And that sounds sooooo damn cheesy!!

same old new year

Here it is, the start of a fresh new year, the time for resolve and bright eyed determination.  While I am not one for making the New Years Resolution (our society has way too many random ambitions and resulting guilt trips) I just finished this book (Piece of Cake -a true story) about a woman that had everything going against her from a young age but was able to make some crazy life changes, creating and loving the person within her body she didn't know was there.  It really hit a nerve with me because so many of the demons I battle are self-constructed by mental blocks and an ingrown way of doing things that I never consciously chose.  There are things I look back upon, when reviewing the day, and find inexcusable; usually something so stupid and simple that I get mad at myself but still don't jump up and fix it.


Where is this going... I suppose I want to see what my mind and body are capable of doing, creating and falling in love with the person I know I can be/want to be.  There are several things I am proud of that occurred in 2010, while some are pretty trivial and this is an incomplete list, I want to touch on them and chronicle them for my own mind.


- a full year with a successful dance company/new family!
-no fast food (coffee obviously excluded) at any point during the year!
-in the late summer I dropped soda for good (diet coke, really, and it was HARD!) and then artificial sweeteners (for the most part...)
-made the decision to leave a job I felt unhappy at
-got a couple of new jobs I (usually) enjoy
-got the balls to chat with a psychiatrist about medicating my ADHD
-produced many shows semi-efficiently, thrived on the stress
-Took a bunch of beautiful photos here and there, most always for good money!
-made great progress on the house


There are more things, but I feel no need to continue the list.  My goals for the immediate for further away future, I've realized, are fairly health-centric.  Whether healing, learning, treating or working, especially as a performing artist, my body is all I've got!  I think the self-related goals will help clear up my internal head static as well, and perhaps I'll be able to find that natural focus eventually.


Goals for the future are under development.  We will see...

late night rambling pt 2

On a different theme, I am sitting in the dark in my office looking out my window, solidly 85% satisfied with my overall life state.  Perhaps that missing percent is attributed to a sore hip and not being able to fall asleep, combined with some unsettling creaks in a dark house and construction dust.  It is nice to glance to my left, however, and take in an unusually quiet Boston night.  The sky is purple with no stars, but more like a nice blanket instead of a hazy foggy star-smothering mask.  Everyone's house lights are out, and I can see straight through the lots and backyards of the three blocks to the North.  If we were at the top of our street, I would have a perfect view of the nearby downtown skyline, but its okay because I can visualize it.

Nights like these and being home (NH) for the past two weekends make me remember all of the dark drives I've been fortunate to partake in.  Cold crisp New Hampshire nights, dotted with stars...  sitting in the car somewhere street lights wouldn't illuminate waiting out those last few minutes before it was required to return home.  When it began getting warm in Western MA during college I always looked forward to sleepless nights because it was the perfect excuse for hopping into the Geo Tracker at 2am and getting completely lost on farm roads, back roads, swampy roads... always with the windows down for the benefit of sounds and smells.  I don't get a lot of time like that anymore, mostly because I have so little time for myself.  Or, when I do but am in the mood for company, no one wants to go adventure.  Or (part 3) because I live in the city, and there is a significant lack of ways to get lost (safely!).  I've found it fun to traipse through Brookline and surrounding towns... hills,  reservoirs, sneaky secret paths and the like, all pretty close to home.  Unfortunately I feel the need for something brand new in my life, a new adventure to add on/explore.  Things have been fairly stagnant for awhile in the realm of adventure, thrill and surprise... maybe that's where that 15% went.

late night rambling pt 1

What do you consider your life's biggest mistake?  Is it reversible and/or does it really need to be reversed? On what scale can we rate negative things that we've caused to ourselves, since it is a bit tricky to escape bias for our self-impression...

Is there anyone out there who hasn't ever made a mistake, a bad judgement call, something they wish they could take back?  What a boring life you must lead, whoever you are!

I think those invisible scars, the things we think back upon and regret (with a hint of nostalgia?) are the best hints at who we really are, how well you know whoever is inside your body.  Perhaps I say this as someone who has never murdered someone or an equivalent ultimate action, but I take comfort in my messups and wear them around my shoulders like a nice (faux) fur coat.  Recognizing them makes me own me/know me, even if I happen to commit those same mistakes again.


[This isn't meant to be such a dreadful/depressing little blip on your blog radar, just celebrating imperfection... a wonderful thing!]