Tear jerkerrrrr....

I just found myself totally in tears like a total sap over that performance that Memphis did on the Tonys.

(Back story, a group of underprivileged kiddos got the chance to attend a performance of memphis on broadway, and learned the closing number so they could pop up and sing and dance along and totally surprise the cast as they performed it onstage themselves! Tonight on the Tonys the cast performed the number, and all the kids came out to dance it at the end!)

The cute little overwhelmed and beyond ecstatic faces of the kids that came out to perform with the cast beyond reminded me of my own kids at JBGC, and just got me more upset about leaving them on Thursday.  While I know I am making the right decision to make a change in my career, and move on to new things, I cannot help but be totally sad about the number of kids I have become close with.

At some point in that first week of work, back in 2009 after graduating MHC I found myself looking into a then-7 year old's round brown eyes while they asked me "you'll never leave us... right?".  At that point I thought to myself 'ohhhh damn, this is going to be incredibly hard to leave if I need to in the future', but I could never have guessed how hard that would, in fact, be.  In the past 2 years I have met hundreds of kids of all ages, have had them slowly come to trust me and to enjoy dance and theatre classes.  I've had kids confide completely in me about their completely screwed up family lives/at home situations, I've had them laugh and cry and bounce back again in classes... I've really just had the chance to become so close to these innocent little kids that have had the shittiest luck in life/the short straw pulled for them, and now I am walking away.

When I told kids I was leaving early last week there were some freakouts, some tears, some tears that were gruffly wiped away and attested to allergies or something in the eye, and many many questions.  One little girl that I've watched grow up a good deal and have some INTENSE ups and downs with got in my face and yelled "you're SUPPOSED to stay here until you DIE... because I love you and dance will suck without you here!"... I didn't have anything to say, I just looked at her and felt awful and knew I had to do what I was doing, but just felt so dead and cold inside that I couldn't give her a reason or reassurance or anything.

I try to validate this situation by reasoning that you really can't just stay somewhere because you love the kids, if there is more than just the kids to consider, and if there are other great opportunities waiting.  I try to validate by viewing myself as a Mary Poppins of sorts, and crossing my fingers that there will be someone great waiting in the wings that can swoop in to my abandoned kiddos and win their hearts quickly so they will fall in love with their new teacher and forget all about me.

ARHIUWOFJNLS.


Ok, so then the Tony's have to go and play 'somewhere' from WSS, and that ALWAYS gets me emotional.   Back in the day when Bob (childhood dance studio owner's husband and huge presence in the studio and in my life) passed away, we all went back to the studio after the funeral and danced and danced and danced for Bob...  Anyways, we were doing West Side Story that year, and so every time I hear 'somewhere' it just makes me think about dancing to it after that funeral in my black dress clothes and tights with the other emotionally overwhelmed girls I danced with, and not being able to process a loss like that in any other means than dance.  This was a beautiful moment, in retrospect, but we're already coming off the heels of the kid showcase meltdown... so I'm an easy sob victim.


I WILL GET PAST THIS.  There are a million more kids in the world that don't have anything in the world, and someday maybe I can work with them and provide them a little glimmer of something special to hold onto.  Someday, someday, someday.

For now, tissues!