I just found myself totally in tears like a total sap over that performance that Memphis did on the Tonys.
(Back story, a group of underprivileged kiddos got the chance to attend a performance of memphis on broadway, and learned the closing number so they could pop up and sing and dance along and totally surprise the cast as they performed it onstage themselves! Tonight on the Tonys the cast performed the number, and all the kids came out to dance it at the end!)
The cute little overwhelmed and beyond ecstatic faces of the kids that came out to perform with the cast beyond reminded me of my own kids at JBGC, and just got me more upset about leaving them on Thursday. While I know I am making the right decision to make a change in my career, and move on to new things, I cannot help but be totally sad about the number of kids I have become close with.
At some point in that first week of work, back in 2009 after graduating MHC I found myself looking into a then-7 year old's round brown eyes while they asked me "you'll never leave us... right?". At that point I thought to myself 'ohhhh damn, this is going to be incredibly hard to leave if I need to in the future', but I could never have guessed how hard that would, in fact, be. In the past 2 years I have met hundreds of kids of all ages, have had them slowly come to trust me and to enjoy dance and theatre classes. I've had kids confide completely in me about their completely screwed up family lives/at home situations, I've had them laugh and cry and bounce back again in classes... I've really just had the chance to become so close to these innocent little kids that have had the shittiest luck in life/the short straw pulled for them, and now I am walking away.
When I told kids I was leaving early last week there were some freakouts, some tears, some tears that were gruffly wiped away and attested to allergies or something in the eye, and many many questions. One little girl that I've watched grow up a good deal and have some INTENSE ups and downs with got in my face and yelled "you're SUPPOSED to stay here until you DIE... because I love you and dance will suck without you here!"... I didn't have anything to say, I just looked at her and felt awful and knew I had to do what I was doing, but just felt so dead and cold inside that I couldn't give her a reason or reassurance or anything.
I try to validate this situation by reasoning that you really can't just stay somewhere because you love the kids, if there is more than just the kids to consider, and if there are other great opportunities waiting. I try to validate by viewing myself as a Mary Poppins of sorts, and crossing my fingers that there will be someone great waiting in the wings that can swoop in to my abandoned kiddos and win their hearts quickly so they will fall in love with their new teacher and forget all about me.
ARHIUWOFJNLS.
Ok, so then the Tony's have to go and play 'somewhere' from WSS, and that ALWAYS gets me emotional. Back in the day when Bob (childhood dance studio owner's husband and huge presence in the studio and in my life) passed away, we all went back to the studio after the funeral and danced and danced and danced for Bob... Anyways, we were doing West Side Story that year, and so every time I hear 'somewhere' it just makes me think about dancing to it after that funeral in my black dress clothes and tights with the other emotionally overwhelmed girls I danced with, and not being able to process a loss like that in any other means than dance. This was a beautiful moment, in retrospect, but we're already coming off the heels of the kid showcase meltdown... so I'm an easy sob victim.
I WILL GET PAST THIS. There are a million more kids in the world that don't have anything in the world, and someday maybe I can work with them and provide them a little glimmer of something special to hold onto. Someday, someday, someday.
For now, tissues!
You say most of my thoughts at the end there - there are a lot of people who need dance, a lot of people who need help, you will reach as many as you can in your career.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember - there's another dancer, another new grad, who really needs a job, who really needs a chance to dance and teach for a living, and you're giving them that chance, too.
But mostly you're doing this for yourself. You have only one life. You cannot live for other people. Kelsey would argue just the opposite - that we can ONLY live for other people, but I will always patently agree. Take it form Martha Graham:
"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you."
wish I could edit that. Should be patently *disagree.
ReplyDeletearianeeee thanks for making me feel good. i love that quote so much. it speaks to those subconscious little thoughts that often go un-acted on or stifled. i know deep down i need to move on to take the next step on my life path, wherever the hell that's going (i don't need to know yet)! I know inside that is ok and normal to have these feelings. It is a closing chapter in my book, and I need to say goodbye to move on and find where my life is leading me.
ReplyDeletethanks for reading and replying and helping me know its ok!!!
xo.
the lovely and supportive comment i made sunday night never got posted perhaps due to not confirming i am human before closing out... so remember you are a stepping stone in their journey while they ultimately navigate their own river of life... they will remember the bridges over obstacles you had to offer
ReplyDelete