The only good thing is that the silhouette of the neighbor's cat in their kitchen window is exactly the same, untouched and unaffected. She holds very still and her ears twitch towards things invisible in the dark.
A bit of a preface, disclaimer...
I obviously am horrified that someone would do disgusting violent acts to our city. I do think that whoever was responsible for the acts needs to be held accountable. I drove through the city last night, I felt robbed of my personal safety, I've felt tense all week and I was confined to my house all day. I get how bad of a situation this was.
What I hate is that there are NO positive outcomes to this situation. Not a single one. Plenty of innocent people lost their lives, limbs or life as they formerly knew it. Many more people lost their peace of mind and faith in each other. At the same time, I can't help looking at this smooth-faced curly-haired guy thats seven years my junior, and feel so sad for him. Maybe he was of sound mind and so much hatred for Boston that he really wanted to do this. Just for a minute, though, suppose this was not his idea? Maybe his brother masterminded it, or he was forced into it from a larger organization that wanted to harm Boston, and he was a pawn. Now, he is the only one left to take the blame. This guy that crawled into a boat to hide and bleed to death is wished dead and held in such powerful contempt by so many strangers. To be completely honest, I hope he opens his mouth in a public forum or in court and spews sincere cold hatred for Boston, perhaps that is the only time we will know for certain our community hatred for him is accurately placed.
Then I think about the adorable little boy that got killed, the 20-something girl, the student from China, the young policeman last night...
(I'm not so much doubting he did it, more wondering about the circumstances?)
There is NOTHING that is 'right' here. Especially not the 'we got him's and death wishes for this man on Facebook. Now is the time to be glad our community is safe, and grateful to those that keep us secure, but it is also the time to be quiet, humbled and reflective. Bloodthirst makes me queasy.
My mom said long ago I could never be a good lawyer because I could never stop seeing the position of both sides at once. I feel this is still the case.
The biggest problem for me right now is preparing to present new art tomorrow. I am showing my contributions for the Threading Motion project at the quilt museum tomorrow, and I am feeling so gross about it. Art is, if anything, a statement every time it happens. What I am showing tomorrow is done, but it's so soon after so much mental turmoil, it's not AT ALL what I want to open my choreographic mouth to say! I'd rather keep it shut, I need to process and get past all of these jumbled ridiculous thoughts and happenings, before I make a statement with my work that is misinterpreted (or fluff). The show must also go on. Where does my scale balance?
Again, please don't misinterpret my musings, these bombings were WRONG and someone does need to answer for and explain the violence and destruction.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Friday, April 19, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
running running
Went on my first outdoor run of the year today, it seemed somewhat fitting. I got out of work at 2:30, home at pretty much 2:50, 24 hours after the Marathon Bombings yesterday and still the news was solely focused on this nasty event. I'm not a serious/good runner by any means (today I did 4 miles of super uphill terrain with a walking warm-up in 45 minutes or so), but what I love about running is it is the ONLY time I can shut down my mind, or hold a single focus. It's a beautiful thing, as an individual with an incredibly explosive brain full of thoughts.
In any case (I've gone on and on about my running struggles and endeavors) it was a really intense run as I finally found myself alone with thoughts and feelings about the bombing tragedy. The most pressing thought is more of a curiosity of who on earth could conceive, conceptualize and carry out such a mammoth violent act. Everyone local to this area, I am sure, can create a list of people that were affected somehow. I, alone, had friends, family and acquaintances running the race, with friends spectating as close as 50 ft to the explosions, friends living very close to that area, and my sister/Christos in class a few blocks away. If we can all make such a list, it doesn't matter if it 'only killed three people' (yes... I heard that statement a few times today), since the event obviously had a huge impact on a larger scale.
Anyways, I'll be interested to watch the news in coming days. Not so much to give this sicko or group of them more glory and fuel the fire, but to see how Boston solves this mystery, and what we deem as justice. I'm a pretty live-and-let-live person, but how will a justice system and an entire city find peace?
In any case (I've gone on and on about my running struggles and endeavors) it was a really intense run as I finally found myself alone with thoughts and feelings about the bombing tragedy. The most pressing thought is more of a curiosity of who on earth could conceive, conceptualize and carry out such a mammoth violent act. Everyone local to this area, I am sure, can create a list of people that were affected somehow. I, alone, had friends, family and acquaintances running the race, with friends spectating as close as 50 ft to the explosions, friends living very close to that area, and my sister/Christos in class a few blocks away. If we can all make such a list, it doesn't matter if it 'only killed three people' (yes... I heard that statement a few times today), since the event obviously had a huge impact on a larger scale.
Anyways, I'll be interested to watch the news in coming days. Not so much to give this sicko or group of them more glory and fuel the fire, but to see how Boston solves this mystery, and what we deem as justice. I'm a pretty live-and-let-live person, but how will a justice system and an entire city find peace?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Tear jerkerrrrr....
I just found myself totally in tears like a total sap over that performance that Memphis did on the Tonys.
(Back story, a group of underprivileged kiddos got the chance to attend a performance of memphis on broadway, and learned the closing number so they could pop up and sing and dance along and totally surprise the cast as they performed it onstage themselves! Tonight on the Tonys the cast performed the number, and all the kids came out to dance it at the end!)
The cute little overwhelmed and beyond ecstatic faces of the kids that came out to perform with the cast beyond reminded me of my own kids at JBGC, and just got me more upset about leaving them on Thursday. While I know I am making the right decision to make a change in my career, and move on to new things, I cannot help but be totally sad about the number of kids I have become close with.
At some point in that first week of work, back in 2009 after graduating MHC I found myself looking into a then-7 year old's round brown eyes while they asked me "you'll never leave us... right?". At that point I thought to myself 'ohhhh damn, this is going to be incredibly hard to leave if I need to in the future', but I could never have guessed how hard that would, in fact, be. In the past 2 years I have met hundreds of kids of all ages, have had them slowly come to trust me and to enjoy dance and theatre classes. I've had kids confide completely in me about their completely screwed up family lives/at home situations, I've had them laugh and cry and bounce back again in classes... I've really just had the chance to become so close to these innocent little kids that have had the shittiest luck in life/the short straw pulled for them, and now I am walking away.
When I told kids I was leaving early last week there were some freakouts, some tears, some tears that were gruffly wiped away and attested to allergies or something in the eye, and many many questions. One little girl that I've watched grow up a good deal and have some INTENSE ups and downs with got in my face and yelled "you're SUPPOSED to stay here until you DIE... because I love you and dance will suck without you here!"... I didn't have anything to say, I just looked at her and felt awful and knew I had to do what I was doing, but just felt so dead and cold inside that I couldn't give her a reason or reassurance or anything.
I try to validate this situation by reasoning that you really can't just stay somewhere because you love the kids, if there is more than just the kids to consider, and if there are other great opportunities waiting. I try to validate by viewing myself as a Mary Poppins of sorts, and crossing my fingers that there will be someone great waiting in the wings that can swoop in to my abandoned kiddos and win their hearts quickly so they will fall in love with their new teacher and forget all about me.
ARHIUWOFJNLS.
Ok, so then the Tony's have to go and play 'somewhere' from WSS, and that ALWAYS gets me emotional. Back in the day when Bob (childhood dance studio owner's husband and huge presence in the studio and in my life) passed away, we all went back to the studio after the funeral and danced and danced and danced for Bob... Anyways, we were doing West Side Story that year, and so every time I hear 'somewhere' it just makes me think about dancing to it after that funeral in my black dress clothes and tights with the other emotionally overwhelmed girls I danced with, and not being able to process a loss like that in any other means than dance. This was a beautiful moment, in retrospect, but we're already coming off the heels of the kid showcase meltdown... so I'm an easy sob victim.
I WILL GET PAST THIS. There are a million more kids in the world that don't have anything in the world, and someday maybe I can work with them and provide them a little glimmer of something special to hold onto. Someday, someday, someday.
For now, tissues!
(Back story, a group of underprivileged kiddos got the chance to attend a performance of memphis on broadway, and learned the closing number so they could pop up and sing and dance along and totally surprise the cast as they performed it onstage themselves! Tonight on the Tonys the cast performed the number, and all the kids came out to dance it at the end!)
The cute little overwhelmed and beyond ecstatic faces of the kids that came out to perform with the cast beyond reminded me of my own kids at JBGC, and just got me more upset about leaving them on Thursday. While I know I am making the right decision to make a change in my career, and move on to new things, I cannot help but be totally sad about the number of kids I have become close with.
At some point in that first week of work, back in 2009 after graduating MHC I found myself looking into a then-7 year old's round brown eyes while they asked me "you'll never leave us... right?". At that point I thought to myself 'ohhhh damn, this is going to be incredibly hard to leave if I need to in the future', but I could never have guessed how hard that would, in fact, be. In the past 2 years I have met hundreds of kids of all ages, have had them slowly come to trust me and to enjoy dance and theatre classes. I've had kids confide completely in me about their completely screwed up family lives/at home situations, I've had them laugh and cry and bounce back again in classes... I've really just had the chance to become so close to these innocent little kids that have had the shittiest luck in life/the short straw pulled for them, and now I am walking away.
When I told kids I was leaving early last week there were some freakouts, some tears, some tears that were gruffly wiped away and attested to allergies or something in the eye, and many many questions. One little girl that I've watched grow up a good deal and have some INTENSE ups and downs with got in my face and yelled "you're SUPPOSED to stay here until you DIE... because I love you and dance will suck without you here!"... I didn't have anything to say, I just looked at her and felt awful and knew I had to do what I was doing, but just felt so dead and cold inside that I couldn't give her a reason or reassurance or anything.
I try to validate this situation by reasoning that you really can't just stay somewhere because you love the kids, if there is more than just the kids to consider, and if there are other great opportunities waiting. I try to validate by viewing myself as a Mary Poppins of sorts, and crossing my fingers that there will be someone great waiting in the wings that can swoop in to my abandoned kiddos and win their hearts quickly so they will fall in love with their new teacher and forget all about me.
ARHIUWOFJNLS.
Ok, so then the Tony's have to go and play 'somewhere' from WSS, and that ALWAYS gets me emotional. Back in the day when Bob (childhood dance studio owner's husband and huge presence in the studio and in my life) passed away, we all went back to the studio after the funeral and danced and danced and danced for Bob... Anyways, we were doing West Side Story that year, and so every time I hear 'somewhere' it just makes me think about dancing to it after that funeral in my black dress clothes and tights with the other emotionally overwhelmed girls I danced with, and not being able to process a loss like that in any other means than dance. This was a beautiful moment, in retrospect, but we're already coming off the heels of the kid showcase meltdown... so I'm an easy sob victim.
I WILL GET PAST THIS. There are a million more kids in the world that don't have anything in the world, and someday maybe I can work with them and provide them a little glimmer of something special to hold onto. Someday, someday, someday.
For now, tissues!
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